Be the dream person.


Relationships are probably the most complicated aspect of life any human will ever have to deal with. It is a constant war out there. A war to find and conquer the love of your life … and then to keep that person. Deep down, that’s probably what we all want … that one person with whom we could live happily ever after. We fall in love … we fall out of love. Someone we really liked and loved at first, can become someone we truly dislike – and even hate – further along the line. Hearts get broken … we shed tears. Some even see it as a game to win as many hearts over as possible. Others toy with emotions simply to get into the pants of another.

I am guilty of all of the above.

I have loved geniunely.

I have toyed with emotions.

I have broken hearts.

I have actively pursued cheap sexual gratification (no, not the type you pay for).

Been there, done that. I have got all the t-shirts.

Inbetween all of the chaos, you will sometimes find two people who find each other and stay together for the rest of their lives. They get married and stay married. They remain life long partners. Dare I say that they are in the minority? I am not sure of this statement, but I think most marriages end up in divorce. I should rather say, that the majority of people have been divorced at least once.

I am 54-years old. I have been married and am divorced. I am the only one of my siblings who is not with the person I had married the first time around. All three my brothers and my sister, found their love, got married, had kids and built a life with that person. All of them are still with that very same first love to this day.

Where did I fall out from?

I am the odd one out in my family.

I am the only one who has been divorced (more than once). I am the only one who does not use alcohol. I am the only one who has never touched a cigarette in my life. I am the only one who has followed an academic career. I am the only one who has not strived for the white picket fence. I am the only one who has led an adventurous life books can be written about. I am truly different in every way. I am a very complex person, I must admit. I am the most relaxed and easy-going dude you will ever encounter, but at the same time, I am also extremely deep and have a repulsion towards unacceptable behaviour. I simply think nothing of walking away when I lose my respect or feelings for someone. I am brutal in that way.

I am a person of extremes. Either I do something full out, or not at all.

Although I truly wanted to settle down with one person and remain with her forever, I simply have not been able to do so. I have questioned why love has sidestepped me on many occasions. OK, let’s be honest … I have found love, but it was one sided. They loved me, I didn’t love them. When I did love them, it was only briefly so. I did truly love my first wife for most of our fourteen years together. I guess she can be called the love of my life to date. Yes, I did truly love her for a very long time. She was perfect for me at first, but things changed as the years sped by.

The problem is that I constantly grow. The person I was even two years ago, compared to who I am today, are vastly different people. So although I loved my first wife, I grew emotionally, intellectually and spiritually, while she remained the same person … even up to this present day. The end result was that I simply had to leave her behind, because we had nothing in common after fourteen years together.

From then on, I simply could not find anyone worth keeping. I was hungry for love. I have so much love I can give to the right person … and that’s the problem … I simply have never found that right person. Nobody has ever unlocked and experienced my true self. Some have never seen the side only my true love will see and experience. Different people bring out different things in us, after all. To be honest, I tripped myself up in spectacular fashion. I dated all the wrong women for all the wrong reasons. By doing that, I simply pushed the right person away, because I was too busy wasting my time and energy on the wrong women.

While I am writing this, I also realize that my ideal woman would never have liked me ten years ago … also not five years ago. The perfect woman for me has been out of my reach, because I was not yet on her level. I first had to grow as a person. For that reason, I first had to date all the wrong people. I had to learn some tough life lessons and I had to grow in every possible way.

I also had to develop and understand my INFJ personality. You see, I have the ability to see through people in a very short time. Nothing goes unnoticed with me. Each comment … each facial expression … everything tells me something. I can see deep into people’s souls. Senseless conversations, shallow people and pretentious behaviour are huge turnoffs. I am mostly bored stiff with most people after a few minutes. There are people I can sleep with and people I can date. When the sex is done, I cannot bring myself to put up with someone I cannot date. Then she has to go home. Every moment with them becomes torture then. There are many things I would rather be doing than offer up my time and energy with someone I cannot date.

Sorry, that’s the brutal truth.

Even during my wild days, I always longed for that one special person whom I could settle down with and be happy with forever. If I had any choice, I would pick someone and stay with her to the end of my days. I was a reluctant player. I played, because I could not find the right one to settle down with. Now that was the problem. By becoming impatient, I associated myself with the wrong women for all the wrong reasons. How would my dream woman ever be attracted to me while I was playing the field? It was never going to happen. I realised that … eventually.

So, six years ago, I realized that I must stop dating women just for the sake of dating. I also realized that I had to stop spending time with the wrong women, if I hoped to attract the right one. I realized one very simple thing: if I wanted to attract the love of my life, I had to be the dream man she was looking for. I had to live it. Be it. Day in and day out. I had to be the dream man, in every way, every single day.

Now that’s a tough task, for a shallow person … which I am thankfully not. I am a very deep person (although very few people have ever been allowed to experience that side of me).

That’s when my life changed course.

I stopped my sleeping around right then and there. I retired my trusty old six shooter.

I embraced the change with a passion. As I previously said, I am a man of extremes. When I commit to something, I go all out.

The first thing I did, was to visualise the type of woman I wanted. Then I visualised the type of man this woman would be attracted to. Then I had to become that man. See, I am not into fortune seekers … so I was not going to prosper simply to attract a certain (shallow) type of woman into my life. Fortune seekers won’t last a week in my world, no matter how beautiful they are. I am after a woman with substance. I was going to prosper to give my dream woman and myself a good life, not because that was what she was after. She has to be a woman who will love me no matter what my bank balance is.

Would she like that I hop from woman to woman? Nope … so I stopped doing that. I became exclusive and selfish with myself. I only sleep with someone I really fancy long term. I don’t even go for coffee with any woman I could not see myself dating, unless we are geniune friends. I had to purify myself … become completely celibate. Save myself only for the right woman. I became selfish with myself and who I spent my time with. I wanted a woman with the same qualities, so I also had to adopt a lifestyle reflecting these qualities. I do not want a town bicycle … and so, I had to stop being a town bicycle myself.

It was no use that I was looking for certain qualities in a woman, when I was not displaying those same qualities … even when nobody was watching. The fact is, I realised that my behaviour might not be seen by other humans, but the Universe does not miss a thing. Everything you do and say sends out a certain message … an energy. That energy will draw in more of the same energy. So, it is important to send out the right frequency or energy, because you attract what you are.

I was never going to be interested in any woman who loved bars, clubs, smoking and alcohol. These were easy to avoid as I have never been into any of those. I realised that I had to become part of groups or clubs involving things I enjoyed doing, like hiking, crossfit, mountain biking and people appreciating healthy lifestyles. By doing that, I would meet likeminded people … and hopefully, the love of my life. I could never date a couch patoto and people who lived to eat. We simply would not have anything in common, would we?

I was also never going to be interested in religous fanatics. The delusional mindset is not for me. I want someone who is just a beautiful, loving and kind person for no reason at all. No religious paybacks, nothing. Being spiritual is good … being overly religious is not appealing at all. So, a church is not a place I would look for a partner, but your needs might differ from mine. If religion is important to you, go to church and associate yourself with likeminded people. We all have our own interests. Follow yours.

Getting involved with married women, was also never going to happen. I have been approached by so many married women, simply wanting to use me for sex, but I always declined. I kid you not … I have received numerous indecent proposals from married women over the years. Most of them were inbetween forty and fifty years old. Seems that’s a very dangerous age for married women. Luckily, I was never even tempted to accept the open invitations directed toward me.

I cannot put out such negative energy into the Universe. It can only draw in bad things to me. Apart from that, I realise that any woman, who will cheat on her partner or husband, will cheat on me too. A person like that, is not worth it. A person like that, does not possess the integrity and qualities I want in a woman. I won’t be associated with that type of person. I will only ever get involved with someone who is divorced and free to date. I will NEVER become involved with a married woman. My advice to you is also to never cross that line. Nothing good can come from it. A cheater will remain a cheater. As he/she cheated on their partner with you, so he/she will cheat on you. Cheating is not a characteristic I want in my life, nor admire. I want none of it.

Being very particular what I find appealing in a woman, I realised that I had to become very distinguished and remarkable in many ways to ensure that I will attract that one special lady. So, I have been reinventing myself over the past six years. I am continually striving to be the dream man, for the right woman by doing the following:

HONESTY & INTEGRITY: I am open and honest. I do not lie. If I am wrong, I will own up to it and admit it and use that experience to better myself. Integrity is key. I want a woman who is open, honest and displays true integrity … so I also live my life by those same qualities. Only by being what I want in my dream woman, will I be able to attract her.

HEALTHY LIFESTYLE: I always look my best and I work hard on maintaining a youthful and healthy appearance. I eat to live, not live to eat. I am fit and healthy. I can never attract someone with the same mindset and lifestyle if I have not embraced the same principles to live my life by. I take pride in my appearance, because I know my dream woman would want to be proud of me (and vice versa).

SUCCESSFUL CAREER: I always strive to be better and sharper in my career. I constantly develop my skills and make sure I know all there is to know. When I do something, I either do it as best I am able to, or I don’t do it at all. That goes for everything in my life, to be honest. At age fifty-four I am now also a student, who is finalising his degree in architecture. I am tying all the loose ends in my life. I want a together woman, so it is only fair to be a together man.

BEHAVIOUR: My daily behaviour is always dignified, respectful and easy going. Even when I am angry, I will never scream and shout. I will always address any issue in a rational and dignified way … and I will never get involved in mud slinging or arguments. Emotional maturity is very important to me. I display the same and I want the same in my partner. The surest way to see me walking away, is to behave in an unacceptable and irrational manner. I simply do not tolerate stupidity. It is like flicking a switch in my head … one minute I respect you, the next you will lose all credibility and respect, simply based on your behaviour. This is probably the most challenging characteristic to find. To me this one is a real deal breaker. I can work around many things, but not around this one. I am hopeful to find someone dignified and rational, as I am. I simply cannot settle for anything less.

EASY GOING: I am the most relaxed person in the world. My mood is always pleasant and friendly. Is it too hard to ask for the same? We all have bad days, but surely we can laugh at our problems and display a positive attitude. I want people to feel comfortable, safe and happy around me … and I can only associate myself with a partner with the same qualities. I really don’t want to dislike her. I want to like her even when she is in a bad mood. That can only happen if she will be easy going, rational and emotionally mature.

You might have your own list of things you would like to see in a partner. Whatever that list involves, you got to be it … live it. Be specific. If you are not specific, you will get just anybody … and I promise you such a generalised approach will rarely have a good outcome. The bottom line is:

You attract who you are.

You attract what you are.

You attract what you identify with.

You have to remain the dream person (and get better at it) over the years, or you won’t be able to keep your dream person. If you change for the worse or let yourself go, don’t be surprised when your partner leaves you. Always become better and more powerful in every way. Never stagnate. Never become a shadow of the person he/she fell in love with. Grow in every possible way. Reinvent yourself on a constant basis.

If you happen to constantly attract the same type of wrong people into your life, it is time to look deep inside yourself and change your own core values. It is time to change who you are. It is time to become the person you wish to attract into your life.

That’s what I have done six years ago. In the past six years, I have only dated three women. The longest one lasted thirteen months. Now if you know me, you will understand that I have completely changed my behaviour from dating woman after woman, to being very selective who I date. Anybody who knew me more than six years ago, will tell you that I had quite a bad reputation with women. These people will tell you that they cannot see me changing my ways, like I did. Well they are in for a surpise, because the good and pure person in me has come to the fore … because that is what I want in a partner.

The three women I had dated over the past six years, were all women who would have been out of my league before, because I was too raw and unpolished. I have now become so polished and accomplished that I am attracting better and better into my life. I am truly attracting very high class women into my life, simply because of who I have become. I am very happy to be single (and prefer to be single) if I cannot date a woman with certain qualities. I would rather be single till the end of my days, than settle for anything less than someone reflecting my own qualities and standards.

Let go of the wrong relationships. Don’t stay … it is unfair to both of you. Reinvent yourself. Be the person you wish to attract. Live it. Be it. Display the characteristics you want in your ideal partner.

That person will come. That person will be attracted into your life, as if by magic.

I am still waiting for that special one, but I am cool with it. Even if I never find her, I will still have improved my life for the better in every possible way … and that’s a very good thing. I am turning myself into a powerful and accomplished person … and there are so much peace, gratification and contentment in that.

Even if I never find her, I know she is admiring me from afar.

Yes, I see you. I feel you. I know you also long for me.

I would rather be admired and respected from afar, than be involved with someone whom I have settled for. Rather than settle, I prefer to stay single and always keep reinventing myself … and being happy and content by myself and with the man I have become.

Let’s face it, you have to be very special to win me over … and keep me.

If we have the same heart, the same core values and move on the same frequency, we will find each other. Until that day, I will make love to only you in my dreams … I will shower you with a love only reserved for you in everything I do (even though we are not yet together). I will remain committted to only you every day. I can feel you. You are out there. I cannot share my love and my body and my dreams with anybody but you.

Those are only reserved for you.

I would rather live with you in my imagination, then settle for anyone that is not you.

You are special like that.

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Published by Gerhard J. Loots

I am currently completing my Bachelor of Architectural Studies through Nelson Mandela University. I am the published author of Stuttering Joe - Part 1 (Growing up in Sunny Valley). I have also recently launched my blog, called Stuttering Joe, which is based on my true life experiences, personal growth and adventures.

2 thoughts on “Be the dream person.

  1. Baie insiggewend.
    Hoop jou order “wish” sluit hierdie “happiness” in ‘n vrou in.
    Groete.

    Like

  2. I hear the way is to love yourself – deeply, truly, madly. Meeting ourselves in the mirror takes courage and compassion.
    Self knowledge, understanding and love bring about tremendous change in ourselves. Sounds similar to what Doreen Virtue did to attract a life partner, also reminds me of a rom-com – finding your feet! Best of luck its 2020 after all ❤

    Like

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